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Do you find yourself feeling particularly down during the hype leading up to Mothers’ Day? Is every image of angelic children smiling at their gorgeous model mum, as doting dad and grandparents look on a knife to your heart, a kick to your womb? You aren’t alone! There are thousands, probably millions, for whom it is a reminder of motherhood not realised, through choice or circumstance, of mothers no longer present, and of mothers who weren’t and can never be the mother you deserved and needed. For others, it is a reminder their family doesn’t match their dreams of a ‘perfect’ family.
As with many commercialised festive occasions, the media fantasy rarely matches reality. Just like understanding you will never look like that airbrushed magazine beauty, because she doesn’t either, it’s important to understand it is all a fantasy. You are not the only person in the world not living in that unrealistic world. You can allow the hype to harm and hurt, or you can shift your expectations and focus on what is present and good in your real world.
If you have been blessed with children, accept they are individuals with different personalities and needs. They will never be perfect,
Sometimes the best way to help is to say no.
and nor will you, because you are human. If you feel you are being taken for granted, it is time to review your training. Do you continue to serve them even when they have not met your requests, your ultimatums, or shown you respect? If you don’t value yourself, others won’t either. What do you need to believe about yourself, to enable you to speak up, set and maintain those new boundaries? Allowing others to experience consequences is a valuable learning experience for all concerned – as long as it’s not life-threatening of course!
If you feel you are being a terrible mother, then know that awareness is the first step to healing. What you are aware of you can change. Love, acceptance and patience must be felt in your heart before you can give to others. What part of you needs to be healed, so you can be the mother you want for your children? Know it is perfectly ok to ask for help – you are not expected to be Supermum or Superwoman, except perhaps in your own head. Real women make mistakes, all of us do, the secret is to learn from them, and move on.
Perhaps Mothers’ Day reminds you of babies lost, or of a dream of motherhood not realised, whether through choice or circumstance. It is what it is, and the only power you have to change it is now in your mind. Life is too short to spend hurting yourself with regrets, and going over and over what the fantasy could have been. Any mother will tell you there are countless occasions when she wonders why on earth she thought being a mother was a good idea. So many times she is stretched to screaming point, or so exhausted the week is one daze after another. What do you need to do now, to allow your little ones and yourself peace? A service? A ceremony? Writing a long letter of love? Perhaps a clearing process with me to release the excess emotions weighing you down? Or making a decision to open your heart more to others around you? When you start looking, there are so many that need more love in their lives.
Does your pain come from knowing your mother has died and can no longer hug you, or turn into that mother you always wanted? If you’ve been blessed with a mother you’d happily allow to raise other children, then honour her memory by remembering all the happy and loving times. She wouldn’t want to be the cause of ongoing pain and sadness for you, so acknowledge and let those feelings go. Find ways to continue her good work with those in your life, or even better, find even more ways you can bring out the best in yourself, so you are always the daughter (or son) she is proud of.
If your mother wasn’t, or isn’t, the mother you wanted or deserved, then it is time to acknowledge that too is what it is. Mothers are simply people doing the best they can with the resources they have. It is not always enough, or in the right form for their children. But no matter how cruel or unloving your mother was or is, there have been benefits of that to you. It has made you stronger in some way, perhaps made you a better mother to your own children, or given you the experience to help others in need. The lack of a mother’s love is her lack, not yours. You have always deserved to be loved for who you are. Always, no matter what you have or haven’t done. Remember that.
This day, like every other, will soon pass. Your life is simply a series of moments, adding up to days, weeks, months and years. The more moments you choose to make happy, with your thoughts, feelings and actions, the happier your life will be.
If you’d like my assistance as a mindset healer and coach to leave the painful past behind, refocus the present and start creating the future you desire, simply ask. I’m ready when you are. Book a call to discuss your needs or try pot-luck on my mobile.
Let go and grow.